You don’t get to talk to me like that. Don’t you understand? It’s not OK. Is that how you talk to everyone? People at work? Friends? So why me? It does matter. Don’t pretend it doesn’t. And I’m fed up of it. You need to realise that. It can’t continue.
Is it possible to miss something that never existed? Because I do. Miss it. The thought of it. I crave it.
There’s so much pressure at this time of year. There seems to be only one narrative. One that we’re all meant to adhere to. Be happy. Spend time with family. Like you’re meant to forget everything. Like it doesn’t matter at this time. But it does. It always does. So why am I supposed to forget?
Sometimes I hate you. And I don’t know why. Every part of you. Your voice. Your breathing. Drives me to despair. And yet. Tomorrow it will be a source of delight.
Your body betrays you. Again and again. The flash of red each month. The sinking. You feel submerged. Utterly at odds within yourself. You feel like you can’t do what you’re supposed to do. What you so desperately want to do. And you don’t know how to change it.
It will happen. Just wait. You need to be patient. You can’t plan everything.
But that’s all I know. It’s all I can do. It’s the only way I know how to survive.
She feels better now. I think it should last this time. I hope so. For both of us.
I’m just not feeling good at the moment. I’m struggling. It was too busy in town today. I found it hard to even get here. I just felt like everyone was coming towards me. All descending on me. I know that they weren’t really. But it’s how I’m feeling at the moment. Still waiting for things to settle. It’s all just getting a bit much at the moment.
It’s hard. I know. But you just need to listen and wait. You can’t just project on to other people all the time. You need to wait and hear what they have to say too. You say they don’t understand you, but have you tried? Truly? I don’t just mean talking. I mean letting them talk to you too. And you’re not doing that. No. Not at the moment. I think it will make a difference.
It’s worse. Again. You just don’t understand. How could you?