But I don’t want to feel like that again. What do I do? I can’t feel like that again.
You’ve never been good with decisions. Not since that time. That’s why you eat the same thing every day. It’s easier that way. One less decision to make. One time, before a day out, you had a panic attack over what to wear. You think it sounds ridiculous to say out loud. And you can’t say it out loud. But the feeling was real that day.
She reminds me a lot of who I was before. I was a very different person then.
He said it’s definite. He’s not ready to settle down. But he still wants to act the role. Put on a performance. You know why. He’s never felt good about himself. And he thinks that he can make himself feel better if there’s someone there. Someone to act the role of adoring partner. Because it tells the rest of the world that he’s worth something. That he has value. Even if he doesn’t believe it himself.
I’ve decided feeling guilt is a waste of time. It doesn’t do anyone any good.
He said he had no choice. And it makes you realise how important context is. How everyone has something going on. Something that makes a difference. Negative or positive. It doesn’t matter, it’s there either way. And some people can move on, and some people can’t but regardless it’s formed who they are and that’s why you need to know. Because it changes the way you view them.
I just wish I could ask her to stop talking. I don’t think she realises the impact she has. She can’t know.
It’s all performative though, isn’t it? Just going through the motions. Acting out the social niceties. Does everyone do this? Just act like that because that’s the way it’s supposed to be? You guess it’s because no one dares try. You don’t dare either, so everything stays the same.
No one knows you better. And that’s a good thing sometimes. Equally, it can be terrible. And you wish one could exist without the other.
You tell her you don’t feel listened to. So she does. Listen that is. For a time. Until she gets bored of listening to you and wants to talk about something else. Anything else but you. It took you a while to realise this. You used to believe the nods, the smiles. Thought of them as signs of acknowledgement. But they’re not. It doesn’t mean she’s listening. You realised that when you saw her talking to someone else. How animated she was. And you couldn’t help but compare and then you knew. But you don’t say anything. Because the pretence of being listened to is still better than not being listened to at all.